life sucks. What can you say other than that right now. I currently am fighting a horrible case of depression, anxiety and just feeling like my world is going to end. Let alone it actually might very well with that dumb lunatic in the white house. But enough about that, back to why we are here.
I am angry, angry at the fact that no one in my house listens to me or do anything I ask of them. They flat out look at me laugh or smile like "no I'm not going to do that". I've reached my breaking point and sometimes I feel like I just want to run away.
For the most part I love my kids with everything I have but if I'm being honest, I wish I would have never had them. To wonder all these years what my life would have been like? what kind of career I would have chosen or if I would have stayed single. Guess I'll never know.Oh the what could have been?? Sometimes I feel like my husband got the shit end of the stick. Marrying someone who was 10 years older, no real career and a 10 year old. His parents sure weren't happy with that choices and sometimes I feel like he regrets marrying me because of how I have no prospects going for me currently. I fucking SUCK!
I lost it earlier on a simple where does your bra go? I got it don't worry about it and after the 3rd time of asking I snapped. I CAN DO IT! which then set off the bombs that were going off in my head and heart already. Then my kids asking where I am or what I am doing? Where are we going? why do I have to get dressed? well because your freaking mother told you too and you still don't do it.
I feel like if I died tomorrow I would not die in peace because I would have to be worried about if they will be able to take care of themselves? for instance my 17 year old with an intellectual disability cannot for the life of her wash her hair or shave her legs. Do you think I should help her on a daily basis? Some of you may think so but I don't. Do I know it takes her 100 times to perfect something maybe even longer? yes I do. I do not have the time or patience to go in my daughters restroom while shes taking a shower to show her how to do those things.. come at me if you will but no I just will not do that. I worry about what will happen to her when I die. Where will she go? she can't count money she can't tell time? how the hell is she supposed to live? We have no support system here, no family to help watch the kids to help do anything. My mom throws a fit if she has to watch the kids longer than a few hours so the fact that my husband and I have only had 4 days away from our kids ism true. My husband's parents hate me so in return they have zero to do with our family or their own grandchildren for that matter. So we can't count on there to come help us because why would we send our kids with strangers but even the ones that do know them don't want to help us out.
I feel as if I am doing more damage to my kids than anything else. I feel like the screaming, the rage I feel,I am just hurting them mentally. I just can't stay here and be around. I feel like I'm losing my mind and no one understands. My husband asked me why I was like this? I can't even imagine asking a person that kind of question that has been going through the worst time in her life. I am like this because I can't help how I feel. I feel rage and anger and hate when I get like this. I want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel like I can't even leave my house. I was out trying to run errands with my husband and I couldn't. I had to have him bring me home. I keep thinking about leaving and never coming back that sounds so good to me. Maybe I just need a vacation from my kids but like I said that won't happen anytime soon. My sanity will be gone before that even happens.
Life sucks, grief sucks, depression sucks. If you feel down and depressed don't give up you have to just keep going and even that is hard. One day it won't be hard and that's what I just keep telling myself.