I'm not very good at introductions without sounding like a crazy rambling lunatic. What can I say, I have a lot to say and sometimes I just go on and on. So here I am trying to keep things from getting to that point. I'm a 38 year old woman, let me just start with that because sometimes I forget that. I AM a woman first, then all the other titles that follow. You know, wife, mom, daughter, sister, maid, cook, chauffeur, plant mama, dog mama and cat mama. The list could go on and on but I'll stop there for now.
So here is the very somewhat condensed version of my life, Im 38, I've been married for almost 6 years now to my handsome husband, we have 3 beautiful daughter, one of which is his stepdaughter. They are 17, 5 and 4. I've lived in Texas my whole life. Sometimes I think that's a blessing and a curse. I love Texas but sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to pick up and move to a town like Virgin River and live a quiet life like Mel and what's his name. Nonetheless, I feel like maybe one day once I have nothing tying me to Texas I'll leave. Until I will stay a Texas girl.
Here recently I lost my father to Cancer. By recently I mean almost 3 weeks ago. It's been the worst possible thing I could have ever imagined. When my oldest was born, we thought that things were going great until things weren't. She was 1 week old on her way to the hospital via medical helicopter. I thought that was hard at the time. I had lost no one close to me since I was 5. My grandfather died from complications during a routine surgery. We were close but I was so young my memories of him are there but very vague. So to see this tiny human being that had not even started her life being pushed to this helicopter that was some scary shit. Fast forward 18 years and here I am faced with losing someone who meant so much to me. How does someone handle that? I'm still trying to figure this out. Yes, Im older and have lost so many people close to me. I have no living grandparents left and now I only have one living parent. I started therapy the week my dad died because I just had no idea how things were going to go. I think things have helped but I've also been so busy with life that I haven't had time to just stop and actually grieve. That's kind of what I'm afraid of. I'm not sure if anyone else feels like this but I just don't want to feel those sad, angry feelings. I knew that I would eventually have to deal with it but until then I will more than likely distract myself with my kids or Netflix.
Anyway, I just wanted to write something to sort of get my feet wet. I really don't know if this will get any views or likes but I just feel like this is my safe space to let it all out and just be myself. Without labels.